Phillies Phestivus: An airing of grievances after another year of stress

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! While many are making last-minute preparations for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whichever holiday they hold close to their heart, today is the day to celebrate a very special holiday: (Phillies) Festivus.

“Festivus for the rest of us” is a holiday made popular by the classic sitcom Seinfeld and has taken the world by storm since then. An alternative to the pressures and commercialism of Christmas, Festivus features family gatherings involving “feats of strengths,” naming common events as “Festivus miracles,” and an astutely named Festivus pole.

But in honor of such a wonderful holiday, the PSN Phillies team came together to celebrate by the most famous of Phestivus holiday traditions: the airing of grievances.

That’s right, we have a lot of problems with everything Phillies related. And now, you’re gonna hear about em!

The Phillies Players

To David Herndon: “I don’t know what you’re doing or where you are but you’re still the Phillie I dislike the most.” – Alec

To JD Hammer: “What happened to Hammer time? I swear you just fell off the face of the earth.” – Shaun

To Brandon Workman:Find a new line of Work, Man. Your 14 games in Phillie were probably the worst I’ve ever seen from a Phillie. You’re #2 to Herndon.” – Alec

To Rhys Hoskins: “Not sure what happened to the once mighty batter but his cold streaks are too long and too frequent.” – Jalyn

To Roman Quinn: “You are a literal glass cannon. You are fast and you get hurt easily. That’s it. Stop being so aggressive in the field and learn to get on base, and you could turn into an everyday CF.” – Shaun

To Vince Velasquez: “You’re never going to strike out 16 batters again. Stop trying and maybe you’ll find success.” – Alec

To the Bullpen: “Worst ERA since the expansion era started + blown leads. Eight diff 3+ run leads blown in 2020. Gross.” – Jalyn

To the Bullpen: I’m not sure which is worse, the Eagles’ offensive line or you. But since this is a Phillies’ article, I’m gonna say you. You ruined our playoff chances in 2020 and are a disgrace.” – Shaun

To Former Players/Managers

To Jonathan Papelbon: “You once completely ignored me when I welcomed you to Baseballtown when you had a rehab appearance in Reading. I was also at the Phillies game when you grabbed your nuts. You’re a urethra.” – Alec

To Gabe Kapler: “Winter Meetings, December 2017. You sat next to me while I was eating lunch at the Disney Swan & Dolphin Hotel. I wished you the best of luck in Philly as you began as Phillies’ manager. I take it back.” – Shaun

To Ben Davis: “I can’t name a single Phillies fan that is happy to see you on TV.” – Alec

To the Phillies Organization

To the Phillie Phanatic: “Look, we know everyone goes through a rebellious phase in life, but the new look is terrible. Blue just isn’t your color. As 2020 ends, put 2020 you behind us as well.” – Shaun

To John Middleton: “Sigmund Freud once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So why is Vinny Velo still on the team? INSANITY.” – Stinger

To John Middleton: “That stupid money quote didn’t age well. Neither have you in the eyes of the city. Put your money where your mouth is and sign JT” – Shaun

To John Middleton: “For putting on the guise of a win-now, spend-heavy team only to immediately slam his wallet shut and make zero moves.” – Jalyn

To Phillies’ Entertainment Staff: “Can you stop using hole punches as confetti? I’m pretty sure I’m still pulling paper out of my jacket from when I was 12.” – Ricky

To Phillies’ Accountants: “Apparently Jim Jackson was expendable. D***heads the lot of ya.” – Alec

To Phillies Scouting: “Can we stop hyping up prospects? The Phillies evidently cannot develop talent consistently right now. Aside from the Sixto Sanchez and Alec Bohm’s of the farm system, we need to start worrying about proven talent.” – Ricky

Others

To NBC Sports Philadelphia: “YOU HAD TO GET RID OF MURPH, THE BEST PART OF PHILLIES’ BROADCASTS???? You sicken me.” – Alec

To Turkey Hill: “Why did you ever take the Graham Slam ice cream away? And make those ice cream helmets smaller? Do better. – Ricky

To Middle-Aged Phillies Fans: “YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE PHILLIES.” – Alec

To Middle-Aged Phillies Fans: “To Alec’s point, analytics also aren’t a bad thing!!!” – Ricky

To the Miami Marlins: “Don’t think we haven’t forgotten about how you LITERALLY RUINED THE 2020 SEASON by letting your players go party in Atlanta. And we will have our vengeance, in this season or the next.” – Shaun

To Chickie’s and Pete’s: “Why tf are crab fries so expensive? There is no crab. They’re good but ridiculously overpriced.” – Alec

Photo by John Adams/Icon Sportswire

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