“Festivus for the rest of us” is a holiday made popular by the classic sitcom Seinfeld and has taken the world by storm since then. An alternative to the pressures and commercialism of Christmas, Festivus features a very fun tradition – airing of grievances. There are plenty of grievances when it comes to the Eagles this year, so spoke to fellow Eagles writer Bryan Cameron for some pre-Holiday venting.
To the players
Jalen Mills: Stop. Finger. Wagging. And. Doing. The. Weird. Chicken. Flex. I get it. You made a nice play. But when you’re down 19 points or are coming off of a huge pass given up, it’s not the best time to start flexing on everyone. It’s embarrassing and makes me incandescent with rage. I love the energy but maybe channel it in a way that doesn’t make me want to cry?? – Liam
Jalen Reagor: Ignore the noise, don’t become the second coming of Nelson Agholor – A talented player that gets lost when the lights are on. Just play your game and the city will embrace you! – Bryan
John Hightower: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you gave it away. I screamed like a child when you were drafted in front of thousands.
Now I look a little bit silly. Pls be Randy Moss 2.0 or I will cry again. There’s a theme here.
Jason Peters: RETIRE….. please – Bryan
Alshon Jeffery: Leave. – Liam
Nate Gerry: Quit while you’re ahead.. my job is hiring if you come to your senses. – Bryan
Alex Singleton: My only grievance is that you’re too good and making the rest of the linebacker group look bad. Stop that right now, you absolute hero. – Liam
Shareef Miller: Where are my 10 sacks? – Liam
To the Eagles coaches
Doug Pederson: It’s time to face reality -you are not the smartest person in the room. The media and the fans don’t deserve to be misled every time there’s an injury or even when evaluating your players, just be honest, and give us all a straight answer! – Bryan
Doug Pederson: Yeah, On that note, please stop with the passive-aggressive press conferences. The season has been a nightmare and I get that the last thing you’d want to do is talk to the media. But it’s your job, just as it is theirs. Nibbling at comments and getting sarcastic helps nobody and just makes everyone’s life harder. – Liam
Jim Schwartz: Please stop nicknaming players purely for the sole reason that the second they are given one, their play falls off a cliff. I instead suggest referring to them by their full names, middle ones included. – Liam
To the front office
Jeffrey Lurie: Don’t become another Jerry Jones. Nobody likes him in case you haven’t noticed. Also, send me your email so I can forward my resume.
Howie Roseman: I write this with a range of emotions – the first one disappointed. The old formula isn’t working. Embrace John Dorsey’s knowledge and just accept that sharing is caring. YOLO’ing your draft picks based on speed and speed alone sounded great on paper…until you have a third-round linebacker who can’t get on the field, a QB in the second round, and wideouts who have struggled to contribute. There’s no I in teamwork.
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