Happy Halloween! To celebrate the spookiest day of the year, I and the avid Eagles fans tuning into ‘The Outside Insider’ 3 times a week decided to try and construct the scariest Eagles team of all time…and I don’t mean scarily good.
The Eagles have had plenty of horror shows during their existence and over the past decades the careers of Jamon Brown and Dorial Green-Beckham will still be sufficient nightmare fuel for the Philly Phaithful. So what better way to waltz into spooky season than building the worst possible team of all time?
Kicker
Joe Muha
What if I told you that the Eagles once had a kicker who converted 1 of 16 field goal attempts? Would it send shivers down your spine?
Enter Joe Muha.
I’m not really sure how low the bar was between 1946-1950, but the Eagles decided to keep Muha around for that entire period while he went on to miss 15 of 16 field goal attempts.
Terrific.
Hall of famer.
Punter:
Mike Michel (Runner up, Arryn Siposs)
58 punts with an average of 35.8 yards per punt and only 19% of them landing inside the opposing 20.
Not great.
Somehow, I actually veered away from naming Arryn Siposs the worst of all time and that takes some doing.
Yes, he still haunts my nightmares. I watched Insidious last week and it was nothing on watching Siposs land punts.
Safety:
Kurt Coleman, Nate Allen
(Runner up: Jonathan Cyprien, Andrew SendeJOOO)
Now we’re getting spooky. Kurt Coleman was bad during his time in Philadelphia and Nate Allen wasn’t much better.
Andrew Sendejo gets an honorable mention for somehow injuring his own teammate and being a Human Bull in a China shop, and Jonathan Cyprien for merely showing up to the job and existing. Good effort boys, just enough to make the All-horror team.
Cornerback
Ronald Darby, Izel Jenkins, Bradley Fletcher
(Runner up: Cary Williams)
I don’t care what anyone says, Ronald Darby is the worst cornerback I’ve ever seen play for the Eagles. However, I didn’t know that I shared my surname with a man who was literally nicknamed ‘toast’ because he got burned so much.
This might be an all-time unit. Absolutely tremendous.
Linebacker:
Nate Gerry, Dhani Jones, Brian Rolle, Zach Brown
It’s getting to the point where I don’t really need to explain much. Nate Gerry is an all-timer for this list. First-ballot Hall of Famer.
Zach Brown was brilliant(ly bad) and Dhani Jones might be the cherry on the cake.
Defensive tackle:
Trevor Laws, Brodrick Bunkley, Tommy Jeter
It’s hard to find bad defensive tackles from years ago, but Tommy Jeter getting 1 sack in 37 games is one almighty effort. Brodrick Bunkley wasn’t much better and Trevor Laws completes a real nightmare rotation.
Defensive end:
Mike Mamula, Robert Quinn, Marcus Smith, Jerome McDougle
This could be an all-time lineup. Imagine Mike Mamula on one side and Marcus Smith on the other while Jerome McDougle is the first man off the bench. They might combine for 1 entire sack the whole season and become PFF darlings with grades of 6.4!
Wide receiver:
Dorial Green-Beckham, James Thrash, Freddie Mitchell, Josh Huff
I’m not sure where to start with wide receiver, but nobody tops Dorial Green-Beckham in my opinion. Josh Huff was a disappointing draft pick and Freddie Mitchell has built an entire brand off of one fluke play that salvaged an entire career from being forgotten about entirely.
I can’t think of four less competent wideouts to field and it’s an honor to list them together.
Running back:
Darnell Aughtry, Donnel Pumphrey, DeMarco Murray, Eldra Buckley
DeMarco Murray leading the Eagles backfield into battle while Donnel Pumphrey changes the pace (to reverse). Darnell Aughtry’s 3 yards per attempt would be just enough to turn a 3rd & 7 into 3rd & 6! What more could you want?!
Offensive line:
Winston Justice, Danny Watkins, Nick Cole, Jamon Brown, King Dunlap
An offensive line with a fireman and a guard who not only sacked his own quarterback, but took pictures with the opponents who destroyed them just minutes earlier.
It doesn’t get better than that.
Tight end
L.J Smith, Deitrich Jells, Clay Harbor
I share the initials with Smith, and while he wasn’t awful, he wasn’t great, either. The Eagles have actually had fairly solid tight ends throughout their history, but if we have missed a stinker, please let us know!
Quarterback:
Bobby Hoying, A.J Feeley, Kevin Kolb
Bobby Hoying being protected by Danny Watkins, handing balls off to Pumphrey and throwing darts to DGB. Cinema.
Absolute cinema.
Who would make your all-Halloween team? Let us know in the comments!
Photo by Andy Lewis/Icon Sportswire
