BREAKING: THE PHILLIES ARE SIGNING BRYCE HARPER AND THIS IS NOT A DRILL

After months of playing hard to get, Bryce Harper is FINALLY coming home. A 13-year deal GET IN ITS COMING HOME.

Okay, I hope you all understand that I’m a little too excited to type write now. Just know this is a very good move and Bryce Harper is very good and everything is very good.

Good.

Welcome home you $330M dollar, lovely haired, blue-eyed, man-crush inducing, baseball hitting GOD.